When I Can’t Sleep

It’s 12:02am, why are my eyes open? Close, go back to sleep. 12:29… 1:06…. What is going on?

I. AM. SO. TIRED.

Do I get up? Do I stay in this bed and keep turning over? Look at my husband, sleeping peacefully next to me. 2:57…

My mind begins to drift off to a place and it’s like I’m somewhere between this place and where you are. Am I dreaming? Or is this real? I take a deep breath and let go.

I (imagine?) that I am levitating, being pulled towards you in to the place beyond. I know i’m not dying, but the veil is definitely thin. It’s almost like you are back. Or maybe just showing me where you are.

I am paying you a visit in a realm that is neither here nor there. I’m not scared but it’s definitely not a typical dream.

The song “Stuck in the Middle With You” now has a whole new meaning. The vividness of you and your beautiful smile urge me to keep going.

Where are we?

I am awake enough to know that this isn’t happening, but I also delirious enough to let my mind wander. And wander it does. I’m going back in to my memories and reliving situations that have already happened. I’m getting to repeat my life. I see the house on Ruby, I see our dog and I see you and Mom gardening. I see the blow up turkey and our family gathered around tables, enjoying thanksgiving. I see you as a young dad, pushing me on the swing and cuddling me by the fire. All the memories are flooding back and it’s like your leading me through it. (Best way to describe it is like a montage in a movie…)

Keep going, I insist.

We are flying over Disneyland and Mexico and the whole time I keep looking over to see you. How lucky I am to get to be with you in this middle place. We see where you grew up and where we would hike when I was a teenager. I don’t want to wake up.

When I can’t sleep, my mind always drifts to you. You have made such an impact on me and my life. You are still so present in my life and (obviously) in my dreams.

I look forward to another time that the veil is thin like this and I get to see you again.

I guess being up for hours in the middle of the night isn’t so bad.

When I can’t sleep, I get you back. Even if it’s just in my dreams.