Missing You, Always

I miss you. Missing you has become part of me, settled in to my bones and has transformed the way I look at my life… but mostly the way I’m living it.

I miss your voice and the way you used to nod your head to the music in your car.

I miss your thoughtful insight, your gentle nature and your way of making everything seem ok (even if it wasn’t.)

But you know what I really miss?

I miss what could have been.

I miss a life where I have a Mom and a Dad as an adult. I miss my boys having a grandpa that would love them, wrestle them, teach them music and love them unconditionally. I miss a life where I didn’t know this type of grief. I miss myself and all that could have been.

No one tells you this about grief, but you grieve YOURSELF too.

I am different because of this loss. I am different after becoming my dads caregiver. I am different now that I’m a fatherless daughter. I am learning a new side of me. Not better, not worse. Just different. Different than how I thought my life would go. I miss the life that could have been….

Grief is a wild ride and it continues to surprise me. I’m learning this new and uncharted territory without my dad and without the person I was before he died. I am not doing this perfectly. Im falling. I’m emotional. I’m moody. But i’m learning. I’m getting back up. I’m accepting. And I’m moving forward. Even on the days that I don’t want to.

Saying goodbye to my dad and hello to a life without him has taught me a lot and has altered my perspective on “buying the shoes,” I like to call it. Take the chance, order the dessert. Do that thing that you said you’d do next year. Book the trip…. Buy the shoes.

My husband likes to remind me that we only get to live this life once. What waits for us in the place beyond is such a mystery - but if we’re lucky enough - we have people holding our spot in line and welcoming us through those pearly gates.

I couldn’t imagine living my life without my dad - and then, boom. It happened. And here I am, turning lemons in to lemonade, always looking for that pink sunset, taking the adventure, loving on my boys…

and Buying the shoes.

I hope you find a pair that fit you.

xx,

R