Moving Forward
The other day, I was chatting with my Mom and – like usual – my dad came up as a topic of conversation. We discussed a funny anecdote and then we were both silent. I remember this conversation vividly and at this point, I began to stare off into space and remember his open mouthed smile and gentle eyes.
“Honey?” she muttered. Maybe she thought our call failed.
“Oh, yeah… hi, still here. Can you hear me?” I answered. A little more silence and then a deep breath.
“Do you… or are you concerned that he’s being forgotten?” my mom asked, quietly. More silence.
“Dad?” (stupid question).
“Yes, I feel like he’s not … I don’t know. Nobody talks about him anymore and I’m scared that life is just going forward,” she responded. I felt my jaw tense and the feeling of rage crept up from my stomach into my throat.
“Mom, we talk about him. We talk about him all the time and that’s what matters. He lives on through us,” I replied. But the rage didn’t go away. It festered as we continued chatting. When we hung up, I started thinking. Is he fading away? How can I keep his memory alive? Am I doing enough?
Through the last half a year, I have learned quite a few lessons but the most important one is this… and listen up! THERE. IS. NO. WRONG. WAY. TO. GRIEVE. Let me say it again for the people in the back …. THERE IS NO WRONG WAY TO GRIEVE. Any feelings that pop up, any time you quietly say to yourself, “is this normal?” … yes. The answer is always yes because it is relative to you and your grief journey. I really hope you hear and accept that.
When I hear my moms worry of my dad’s memory not being recognized and I stop to think - of course I can validate that and agree. If it were up to me, Frankie’s name and memory would be on the lips of everyone I know. But, of course, no one loved him the day I do. This is my journey, and my grief. And my sweet, sweet love.
I don’t move forward without him. He is constantly on my mind, in my heart and deep in my thoughts. And I’m the lucky one who got to call him, “Dad.”
Grief is a never ending process. It’ll change, it’ll ebb and flow but it is something you will carry. It has become part of you and your story. And it has the ability to throw you off track and force you to land somewhere you didn’t expect, but always needed. Trust the process, let the pain be painful, let the happy be happy. Let what is….. just be.
xx,
R
