The After

As we approach the year of my Dad’s passing, I can feel myself tightening. I can feel my jaw become clenched more often than not, and I can definitely feel the undertone of anxiety creeping in. Nobody prepares you for the after. There isn’t a manual to follow in grief and mourning, a helpful guide to get your life back. Nobody tells you how it’s going to be. And that’s scary and unfamiliar. 

…And completely normal. 

I can’t believe I’m actually here. Approaching the anniversary of saying goodbye.  And the hardest part, at least for me, are the big days… the days where we celebrate accomplishments, holidays and even sorrows. The days were there is a huge absence around the family dinner table or surrounding the Christmas tree. The days where I send my baby off to his first day of school, remembering mine with my dad driving me in our old, gold Mercedes. The Halloween costumes zipping up, the Hanukkah candles glowing, the chatter around the thanksgiving table… all without him.  

This is the after.

The dull ache, the yearning, the wishing for things to be different. That’s the after.

The memories that come flooding in, causing waves of grief you don’t think you can escape from. That’s the after. 

The pull. The push. The ebb and the flow. That’s the after. 

My life has been cut in two. Before my dad died, and now. The after.

As we approach my 30 something birthday, I know a part of me will wish for things I know can’t come true. I’ll take a second, inhale deeply and open my eyes to see two little boys (and one grown man) who look at me as if I make the world spin. And I’ll change my wish. I’ll instead wish I can channel my dad’s love, his patience and his notion to accept the good. Always, always accept the good.

This is the after, too.

The bittersweet realization that through death, I can still feel his gentle soul, urging me to do good, to be good, and to see good. Afters can be full of love too. They can be full of life and goodness.

Aren’t we lucky to have a before and an after?

Sending my love to all the people who are in the after.

xx,

R