When People Don’t Show Up

“Lower your expectations” or “Bring the bar down.” How many times have you heard that on your FTD - hell your LIFE - journey? Expectations are hard to ignore, let alone maneuver, amirite? They seem to sneak up on us with that little voice in our heads saying something along the lines of, “but I would do that for her,” or “I assumed you’d be there when I needed you.” Expectations are beliefs, they’re assumptions and as the queen herself, Brene Brown said …

Expectations are resentments waiting to happen.

Let that sink in!

When my dad first started showing “odd” symptoms of FTD, (i.e. not showering as often, becoming more apathetic to my mom and I, etc), I leaned on my friends with whispered calls telling them about my encounter a few minutes prior. I spoke with my mom at large about this big change and I even confided in my new boyfriend (now husband) at the time.

But you guys….

What I didn’t do? I didn’t go in to myself. I went outward hoping to find comfort and support, hoping to have my confusion solved, hoping for answers.

You think I got them?

I feel like as a relational species, we want to share our experience with others - HOWEVER, I think the missing piece is letting the experience be understood and processed within ourselves. We EXPECT others to carry the load when it gets too heavy. We EXPECT them to support us THE. WAY. WE. WANT. Now, I’m not saying become a hermit and don’t share your feelings, but I am saying get rid of the assumption that other people have the ability to hold space for them. I have maybe FOUR people that I can call that I KNOW will drop everything and be present with me during the hard. And I feel very fortunate for that. Relationships that have that connection take time, open communication and gentleness.

Of course its easier to hop on your soapbox and point your righteous finger at others who don’t meet your needs, but - I have a challenge for you. Instead of looking outward, try looking inward. Let whatever situation that occurred soak in and take a beat before figuring out what you need. Heres an example of that…

I remember when my dad was really behavioral, before a diagnosis and he would pace my neighborhood. He would ultimately end up at the liquor store and bring home his two bottled beers. Now, on this particular day, I believe it was close to fathers day, I asked him to NOT drink so we could spend the day together. He promised me he wouldn’t - but … he just walked in the door with that black bag and the sound of bottle clanking. GREAT.

I got so upset that I packed a bag and left. I went to a hotel and checked myself in hoping for some clarity and a place to breathe real deep. After telling one of my friends where I was/what happened, I EXPECTED her to come and be with me. Well, she didn’t. She had a family party going on (which I found out later) and couldn’t leave. Instead of focusing on the heartbreak that occurred with my dad, I spent a few hours feeling so upset and disappointed that SHE didn’t show.

It was displaced anger/frustration. And it actually distracted me from focusing on the real hurt.

See what I mean?

Expectations are really REALLY difficult to get rid of, but once you do, it’s VERY easy to see that the people in your life are not intentionally trying to hurt/ not be there for you. Everyone has their own life, their own set of problems, their own worries, etc.

Next time you are faced with the disappointment of an expectation not being met, I urge you to try and take a look DEEP within and see what it is you really need. And whatever that need is, ASK for it.

Just try it.

I bet you won’t be disappointed.

XX

R