Even After All This Time

*Taken from the original instagram post and added to*

even after all this time, i imagine you in every empty seat that I sit beside.

I still remember my wedding day and how we kept the seat next to mom open for you. We placed a flower there in your honor.

i still wonder what it would feel like to see you jam out to Hendrix or Nirvana as an adult.

I try to imagine you pruning your orchids and tending to the garden on Ruby St. and then coming to do the same to mine.

I still wonder what it would be like to have you as a grandpa to my babies.

I wonder what it would feel like to see you love Max and Jack. To see them snuggle you on the couch. To see them help you with the fish tank. To get excited when you’d pick them up from school. To be in the everyday with you. And with them. Surrounded by the best love - I know it would be.

I try to imagine what it be like to see your relationship with my mom as a married woman.

I wonder what it would feel like to see your love now as an adult. I wonder how magical it would be to watch you both grow old together.

I try to imagine my life with you in it. The big moments, the everyday and the ‘no-reason’ calls where you’d always respond to my ‘hi dad’ with ‘hi daughter.’

I wonder what it would feel like to call you for advice or to ask for help with something. I wonder what it would feel like to get a “pop by” visit from you or to be in the car as your drove. I wonder if you’d enjoy helping me with house projects.

I wonder what it would feel like to never know what FTD was.

I hate this disease. I hate you were diagnosed with it.

I still picture what it would feel like to have you in my home.

Surrounding the Christmas tree, or on birthdays. I imagine you here, with us. Summer days and winter nights. For all of it. The parties and the after school sports, the weekend dinners and sleepovers. I imagine you walking in with open arms, ready to hug your grandsons and then me.

even after all this time… i know you’re not coming back, but on the slow evenings when the sky turns pink, I throw open the doors to let you in.

I know you’re not coming back and my life is forever changed because of your absence. I know I am not the same person I was before you got sick and I have changed even more after your death.

even after all this time, the memory of you + your spirit + your smile still flood my heart with light || the darkness of the pain is nothing compared to the colors of you.

You were such a constant in my life and I will love you until the moment I pass from this existence to the next and then I will find you, squeeze you and admire the pink sky.

I love you dad.

Xx