Grief : Part IV

I still wake up on some mornings, and it feels like a dream. Is he really gone? I have cleared the big milestones - the first anniversary of his death, the first Christmas without him, his birthday and mine… I’ve gotten past the big “firsts.”. And now, in this stage of grief, where things slow down and time settles in, I miss him in the everyday. Of course I always have, but it feels more tangible now. I miss the familiarity of him. I feel like I haven’t known him for so long.

I will share this, (although i’m nervous that if I say it out loud, i’ll jinx it. Here’s hoping I don’t…), I do have less bad/hard days than right after my dad passed. They still happen - but they’re few and farther between now. When I think back, my heart and memories are full of tenderness and love and less sadness and heartache. I know there will always be a longing for him - but it’s not the same anymore.

I am also back in therapy. Doing a lot of the hard work in there and that work surrounds the time in my dads illness where we had no idea what was going on. The confusion. The anger (ohhh, that anger!). The repeated minsdiagnosises … thats the part where I still need to process. Thats the part that still hurts. I wish we would have been prepared (don’t we all??) so we (meaning my family) could have been a cohesive care unit for my dad. I have some big feelings revolving around that time. It’s a work in progress, though and I am giving myself grace.

I also find myself wondering what my dad would do if a situation comes up that I don’t know how to handle. I try and channel him or pause and think WWFD? (What would Frank do?) The world is a heap of chaos right now, I wonder what Frank would think. Max is really excelling in school, I wonder what Frank would think. Jack is such a ham, I wonder what Frank would think. BOth kids wonder what happens when you die, I wonder what Frank would say.

Towards the end of February, I had a change of heart in my grief. I documented it on social media - but for those of you who do not engage - i’ll give you the short version. I’m not sure who can vouch for this, but when someone is cremated there is ALOT of ash. I mean ALOT. So I had my dad in his beautiful urn in my house, but still had quite a bit “left over.” My boys (all 3 of them) decided that he needed to “go fly somewhere” instead of living in a cabinet above my fridge. So we took him to his favorite hiking spot, and we said goodbye. He was trapped in his body and failing mind for too long - and now he’s free… just as it should be.

Grief is really peculiar thing and until you experience it, I don’t think you can fully understand it. I still believe it ebbs and flows and I also believe it gives you a fresh pair of eyes to see the world with. Grief makes the mundane special, the moments beautiful and the love - that sweet, sweet love … so damn worth it.

I miss my dad, I always will. But the light has shone through … at least for now. And I am engulfing myself in it.