Grief, Part III

When I ended my last grief entry, I asked a broad question - something along the lines of… “how are we supposed to find the love and embrace the loss?” Remember? (If you need a refresher, click here and read “Grief, Part II). I think the overarching question is – how can we see beauty in such a profound loss? How do we move forward?

Well, let me tell you – I still don’t have the answers and I’m not sure I ever will. How will I ever be able to think of my dad and not feel an ache in my heart? How will I keep the tears at bay when my kids remind me of him? Does that ever come? And if so, when?? 

It’s been 345 days since my Dad died and, you guys, I think it’s finally settling in. I’m finally coming to terms with the fact that he’s actually gone and that I will never see him again. It’s becoming more real; more true and it hurts in a different way. 

Basically, I’m sad. I feel more deeply sad now than I did when he actually died. I feel depleted and the ache for him is almost tangible. I feel cheated, I feel like he was taken away too soon and has missed so much. I feel angry, angry for me and angry for him. But most of all, there is just a profound sense of heartbreak. 

How is this real? 

Grief is lonely, it’s heavy and depleting. It’s tiring and all consuming. It’s full of ebbs and flows.

I miss my dad more than I can accurately express.

I miss him in the little and in the big things. In the morning and the slowness of the evening. I miss his name appearing on my phone in the middle of the day to “check on you, daughter.”

I miss his voice.

I miss the security that he gave my mom.

I miss the good, opened mouth laugh he would blurt out (usually laughing at one of his own jokes!).

I miss his smell but what I miss most of all is the way he loved me. It was the most gentle love I have ever known.

Grief is a part of life, but what i’m learning is… Grief is the last of act of love we have to give to those we loved. Where there is deep grief, there was great love.